Eli Thursday

37 weeks

See that little face? That right there is what pure happiness looks like.

On being a mother

Story #1

I don't even bother checking the time as I stumble, still mostly asleep, from my bed towards little Eli crying in his crib. All I know is that it is past midnight, since that is when I was up last, but since it is still pitch black outside I know the night is far from over. In some ways that is a relief. Maybe this is the last time I will get woken up tonight, and maybe I will get a few hours of undisturbed, blissful, much-needed sleep. Maybe. (Although I know in my heart that is only wishful thinking.)

When I pick him up I snuggle him close, kiss his warm, fuzzy head, and get comfortable on the bed in the nursery where I sit and nurse him during these night feedings. My eyes are heavy, and once he latches I can't keep them open any longer. I don't realize I've fallen asleep until my head jerks up when my chin bumps into my collarbone.

By this time, my little man-cub is peacefully snoozing on my lap after drinking himself back to sleep, so I gingerly move him to his crib. I can never resist kissing his silky-soft cheeks before I leave. When I bend down, I can smell his sweet baby skin, and even though I'm dead tired I can't help but pause for a minute to marvel at his perfect, tiny little self. Every day I'm filled with awe that he is mine.

I stumble back to bed, trying not to disturb my sleeping husband, and sink back into sleep.

Story #2:

I can hear laughter coming from the other room, so I peek around the corner to spy on Dallin and Eli, who are playing on the floor while I try to get some things done. Gleeful baby giggles (the best sound in the world, hands down) erupt every time Dallin pretends to eat him up, which makes Dallin laugh in return, and this sequence is repeated over again until Dallin picks Eli up, squeezes and kisses him, and says, "I love you so much, little guy. We're going to be best friends!" And then I swoon and melt into a puddle all at once because I just can't handle how much I love those two boys of mine.

Story #3:

After changing his diaper, I sit Eli on the floor while I grab a fresh outfit. He happily starts playing with one of his favorite toys – an empty water bottle that never made it to the trash – and I take advantage of his contentment to spend a few peaceful (and much needed!) minutes reading. A few minutes later I pause to look up at him. The goofball is cheerfully alternating between chewing on his water bottle and blowing very wet raspberries that dribble past his pursed lips, down his chin, and onto his round baby belly. I can't help but laugh at him, all covered in slobber, and just as happy as can be. He is so perfectly innocent. 

I can't help but remember the fact that this sweet naiveté is only temporary. One day his world will include so much more than just playing, eating, sleeping, and seeing how big of a mess he can make when my back is turned. One day he will have to learn about the ugly and hard things the world holds. And while I take comfort in knowing that there will also be so much beauty to discover, and that our home can be a safe haven, I worry daily about how I will be a good enough mother. Often I wonder if I have it in me, but it makes me feel a little better when I remember that I don't have to do it alone. 

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Ever since Eli was born I've had so many people ask me how it feels to be a mother. I usually opt for the short answer: "It's great, I love it!" And while that is true, it is so much more than that.

Motherhood is... gosh, how do I describe it? For me, it is a collection of extremes and paradoxes.

It is intense fatigue and equally intense joy.

It is difficult, and yet feels like second nature most of the time.

It is appreciating luxuries like undisturbed showers and solo bathroom trips more than I ever knew I would.

It is the hardest kind of work, both physically and mentally.

It is giving all I have and then realizing I still, miraculously, have more to give.

It is experiencing a kind of love I never knew existed.

It is beginning to understand how much Heavenly Father loves his children.

It is a thousand moments every day like the stories I mentioned above, a thousand heart-stretching moments of both struggle and bliss.

It's a wild ride, man. A ride I am thankful to experience.

Little snippets

Eli makes the funniest sounds when he eats. You know when he has found a stray Cheerio on the floor by the loud grunts and satisfied smacks. It cracks Dallin and me up every time we hear it.

Whenever I call my mom on facetime, Eli gets so, so, SO excited. Like hyperventilating, giggling, and bouncing up and down excited. I'm pretty sure it's mostly because he can see himself while it's ringing, the little narcissist, but don't tell my mom that. ;)

His feet and hands are always cold, even when they are in socks and his brace. I've startled him more than a few times by shrieking out in shock when his chilly fingers sneak themselves under my shirt. Stinker!

Eli has two kinds of laughs: a normal little giggle, and a goofy sound he makes by breathing in sharply. It's kind of like a mix between a gasp and a happy shriek. I love it. I keep forgetting to get a good video of it since it makes me laugh so hard.

We have a bunch of blocks in the living room where Eli and I spend the majority of our day. Lately he has been so funny when Dallin and I build towers. He used to knock them over pretty quickly, but now he will alllllmost touch it, and then pull his hand away, over and over and over again. I'm not sure whether to be happy that I get to knock all my towers over, or disappointed that I don't get to see him do it. 

One of Eli's favorite pastimes is gripping any visible strands of Dallin's hair tightly in his tiny fists. I have never been so thankful to not have chest hair in my life.

A cool day at the lake with my family. He loves to be outside.

If only he would have kept these on for more than 2.394 seconds. SO CUTE.

His tragically sad faces crack me up, so naturally I take lots of pictures of him in the depths of misery. (Mom of the year, that's me!)

Helping dad with the dishes. That cutting board was on the ground in minutes.

"It looks like a dead body." -Dallin

Cousins!

He's already too cool for me. 

Helping dad pack for a canyoneering trip. 

It makes me so nervous when he stands on the tile with his brace, but clearly he shares none of my concerns. That happy face is my favorite. 

Eli Thursday

36 weeks

Bubbles are very serious bizness around these parts. Actually, with this little analytical man, pretty much everything is serious bizness. 

Blankets and babies

I've been wanting a new comforter for our bed for a long time, and finally picked this duvet cover up at IKEA on a whim last week since I liked it well enough and it was cheap. I wasn't really in love with it, but after unsuccessfully searching over the past several months for something I loved that wasn't painfully overpriced I was so ready to just get something already. After I put it on our bed, our whole room instantly looked so much brighter and happier, and I actually really, really like it after all... yippee! I have been struggling to figure out what direction I want to go in with paint and decor, and now I've got lots of ideas spinning in my brain. I can't wait to really start working on this room in earnest... although I probably better finish some of the many other projects I'm in the middle of at the moment, like painting our hall/bathroom walls and trim, as well as staining cabinets, installing doors, replacing light fixtures, sewing curtains... the list goes on and on. I'm the queen of beginning projects... but finishing them is hard with a mobile, mischievous baby!

Like I said in this post, our mornings are usually pretty slow and lazy while I try to get as recharged as possible after a rough night, and it's so nice to have this room a little more cozy and cheery. The happy change (and morning light) inspired this little impromptu photo session. 

He loves hanging out on my bed, but is always crawling dangerously close to the edge, so I have to pick him up...

...and plop him down in the middle again. It's his new favorite game.

Here he is, trying to do it again...

...and laughing at me as I get ready to grab him. 

This time he actually laid down for a while, distracted by the window and his toes. They are still a bit of a novelty after wearing the brace all day for so long. 

Those eyes, man. He is always observing everything so intently and I just wish I knew what he is thinking.

Eli Thursday

35 weeks

I put him in our backpack so I could get some chores done, and when it had been a suspiciously long time since I had felt him yank on my bun I looked in a mirror and saw this.

Can't blame him. Doing the dishes bores me too. 

Real life

Crazy hair

Yesterday's makeup

T-shirt + yoga pants

Eli is only dressed because he blew out all over his PJs

You can't see it but my room is a mess

(Actually my whole house is at the moment... shhh)

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We tend to spend a lot of time in my bed in the morning. The morning sun makes it bright and cheery, and since a certain young man still isn't sleeping well at night it's nice to just stay under the covers as long as possible. I love that he is a morning person. He chats and giggles and tries to crawl off the bed to explore new territory and then giggles some more when I pull him back to me by his little ankles. 

I try to take a lot of pictures, but I don't think I take enough of the real, genuine, un-pinterest-worthy, but oh-so-happy snippets of our life. Those are my favorite moments though, when the house is is disarray, with toys all over the floor and dirty dishes left ignored in the sink, and yet everyone is happy. And that's what is most important, right?

Storytime: Our First Kiss

It was getting late and I knew I would need to head home before long. We were snuggled up on the couch watching a movie after making dinner together. That was (and still is!) one of our favorite things to do on our dates.

We had been dating long enough to know we really, really liked each other, but we still hadn't kissed. I honestly hadn't really even thought about it much. Looking back, it probably would have been wise to be prepared to avoid being taken off guard, because I was not expecting it to happen that night. No sirree. While we were snuggled up on the couch, I suddenly realized Dallin was quite close to me, and before I had time to realize what was happening he closed the (narrow) gap and kissed me. He kissed me reeeeal good, right on my unsuspecting (but certainly not unwilling) lips.

Just to warn you, this story is about to get really romantic.

I should probably also mention here that this was, in fact, my first kiss... something Dallin didn't even know. I'm sure this is partially why I suddenly became extremely nervous. The butterflies in my stomach started swarming, and when Dallin gave me a very, very, very tight squeeze with his arms directly around my midsection, I felt an overwhelming sensation come over me.

But it wasn't the romance. Ah, if only! Instead, it was my dinner churning in my stomach and venturing upwards into unwelcome territory. I couldn't believe it. I extricated myself as quickly as possible, and ran to the bathroom just in time to toss my cookies. I spent several minutes cuddling with the toilet while poor Dallin sat alone on the couch (unable to ignore the sounds of my barf session, no doubt) thinking, "Well, I guess this means she probably won't want to see me again."

See, I told you this would be one romantic story. It doesn't get much more steamy than this, does it? Oh baby.

Obviously I did want to see him again, and lucky for me that little incident wasn't enough to scare him off. Hallelujah! While it wasn't exactly the wildly romantic first kiss I was hoping for, at least it made for a great story that I can't wait to tell our kids someday.

(At Grand Falls a couple months after "the incident")

Annnnnd at least I still managed to keep him around, so he must really love me. ;)

A few snippets from the weekend

We went to the Phoenix Temple open house on Saturday. All these temples popping up in Arizona makes me so happy!

This one is pretty small, especially compared to the Gilbert Temple, and absolutely beautiful.

Eli sat on Dallin's shoulders during the tour. I know he won't remember it, but I loved watching him look all around and take everything in.

And even though it doesn't look like it in this picture, I think he had a pretty good time. :)

We also stopped by to see grandma Carmen, who is always so happy to see us, especially Eli.

I finally used this certificate I got for my birthday about... three, maybe four years ago. About time, right? I'm pretty sure butterscotch squares are what we will eat in heaven. SO GOOD. 

Eli met his doppelgänger at IKEA. He had some pretty mixed feelings about the experience.  

First, interest and curiosity. 

Then exuberant displays of affection. 

Things quickly turned south as deep feelings of jealousy began to develop, and the offending lookalike got a smack in the face...

...and an attempted arm amputation.

But then Eli realized this supposed "lookalike" was lacking his shiny bald head...

...so the jealousy dissolved, all was forgiven, and they parted as friends. 

We finished off the day at Chick-fil-a where the cousins were finally able to hit each other in the face without doing harm. Possibly the best day of their short lives. 

Becca and I pretty much finished up painted the bathroom we started a couple weeks ago, when this picture was taken. We are awful at taking duck-faced mirror pictures (that's probably good thing). Next step: staining the cabinets! Wish us luck! Man, it feels so good to see real progress being made on our house. 

Eli Thursday

34 weeks

This kid loves bath time, especially when he gets to enjoy it with his beloved spatula in hand. I love that squishy baby belly.  

Our clubfoot experience

As I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this blog knows, Eli was born with a clubfoot. At his appointment a couple weeks ago, we got the great news that he no longer has to wear his brace during the day, except for naps! I was pretty sure that would be the case, but I was really hesitant to get my hopes up! He is so happy to be free which makes us all happy. Plus, now I can kiss those little baby toes whenever I want to. I've missed that.

Now that we've moved on to the next stage of this treatment, I thought I would share a little bit about our experience and answer some of the questions we get.

First of all, let me explain what clubfoot is. Basically, it is a congenital birth defect that causes the foot to turn in, kind of like a golf club, because the tendons are too short and tight. It's fairly common and usually can be fixed without complications (yay!).

(Image source)

I found out the day after my 20 week ultrasound during an unexpected phone call from my OB/GYN. I went in for another ultrasound just to confirm it, and then had another from a specialist who looked for evidence of other complications, since clubfoot can be a sign of problems like spina bifida.

I knew nothing about clubfoot before that phone call, but in the weeks and months that followed I did lots of research... and lots of worrying too. Even though his ultrasounds looked good we couldn't be 100% certain it was an isolated clubfoot, and even if it were I was worried about the treatment. Casts to stretch out the tendons being put on my tiny baby? Probable surgery? A boots-and-bar brace we would be dealing with for a few years? None of that sounded very fun. On the bright, it was something we could fix. The treatment usually works. That made me feel a lot better.

From what I have gathered, the typical treatment for clubfoot goes something like this:

1. Weekly casts (4-6, on average) that gradually stretch out the tendons and align the bones properly
2. Possible surgery in which the Achilles tendon is cut all the way through. When they are little, it just grows back, and that completely blows my mind. This surgery seems to happen most, if not all, of the time for clubfoot patients. 
3. One final cast after surgery which stays on for three weeks
4. A boots-and-bar brace must be work 23 hours a day until they are cleared to just wear it when they sleep. From what I've seen, there are a lot of different opinions about when the brace time can be reduced, but it seems like it's just about always before they start really trying to stand/walk.

(Image source)

Here's what Eli's treatment has been so far, in a nutshell:

1. Four of the weekly casts, beginning when he was just under a month old (March 17). Only his left foot was "clubbed," so obviously he only needed one cast. I'm thankful we needed less casts than average since we had to drive 1.5 hours to Eli's pediatric orthopedist (if you are in AZ and looking for someone, email me for his doctor's info... we love him!), plus the casting process wasn't a lot of fun. My job was always to hold him down since he would kick and scream as the doctor and technician turned his foot out and applied the cast. It was so sad, but he was usually okay after that, especially after getting some Tylenol and snuggles and milk. Sometimes he was a little fussy for a few hours though. He had a "soft" fiberglass cast, which meant I could peel it off myself, with a little elbow grease, before each appointment and give him a bath.
2. Surgery (April 15). This is a very minor, quick surgery that only required one stitch, but they did have to put him all the way under. That was probably the scariest thing for me, especially since he wasn't even 2 months old yet! It went very smoothly though, of course, and he was back to his normal, happy self by the next day.
3. The final cast that stays on for three weeks got put on right after surgery, which was nice since that meant they could do it while he was still under anesthesia. Much more comfortable for Eli, and easier for everyone involved.
4. Eli got his boots-and-bar brace, the thing that we think looks like a mini snowboard, on March 7. We all liked this much more than the casts! He was able to bend and straighten both knees and enjoy an hour of freedom every day. He continued to wear it 23 hours a day until his last appointment on October 1st, and now only wears when he sleeps. 

I already answered most of the questions we are usually asked, but here are a few that I didn't cover yet:

What causes clubfoot?

Nobody knows for sure, although I was told it is more likely when they mother smokes or drinks during pregnancy (I've never done either, just to clarify... ha!). It just happens sometimes, although making sure you get enough folic acid might help prevent it. I was taking prenatals though, so... who knows. There is also some speculation about it happening if there isn't enough room in the womb for the baby to develop.

Is it painful?

His foot did look pretty odd before treatment, so I can see why people would be worried about it hurting him, but it was obvious that it didn't. The only painful part happened when we started bending it back into shape.

Will he be able to go canyoneering with Dallin? ;)

Oh yeah. His left foot should work just as well as his right when he is older, although it might be a little shorter and fatter. Fun fact: there are several famous athletes that were born with clubfoot, including Mia Hamm and Kristi Yamaguchi.

How does it affect daily life? What changes did you have to make to get normal things to work?

Honestly, it isn't that much different than it would be otherwise. I thought life would be a lot harder. We didn't have to make a lot of changes, but naturally there were some adjustments that had to be made. For example:

• Swaddling: It was no problem with his casts, but the brace made it a little tricky to wrap him tightly enough. I'd either use a bigger blanket (I like the size of the Aden and Anais muslin blankets a lot!), or – better yet – use a HALO SleepSack. These are perfect because they allow you to have their torso tightly swaddled even with the bulk of the cast/brace. 
• Clothes: I was a little worried about this, but it ended up being fairly easy to find clothes that would work. I never had a problem getting normal stretchy baby pants over the cast, and just a couple of pairs were hard to slip over the boots on his brace (the bar can be removed for this purpose, which is so nice!). Rompers were a little easier with the brace, but it wasn't a huge difference. It can be a little hard to find tall socks, which he needs for his brace. The cheapest ones I've found are the cuffed ones at Walmart which are pretty tall when they are unrolled, but I prefer these ones from Amazon since they are thicker. 
• Diapering: Since his casts went all the way up his leg, the gauze would always soak up some poop. That was pretty gross. No matter what I tried it always happened. I just made sure to rub some diaper cream between the cast and his skin or else he would get a rash where it rubbed. Once he got the brace, diaper changes became super easy because it functioned as a pretty nifty handle to keep his feet out of the way! 
• Other than that, everything was pretty effortless and his casts/brace didn't get in the way very often. He always seemed comfy in his carseat, bouncer (where he slept fairly often at first), crib, Bumbo, booster seat, stroller... you name it. Just not a baby wrap since his legs couldn't spread out the way they need to. 

And here are some pictures of my favorite little gimp! 

These first two pictures were taken the morning of his first cast.

These pictures show the progress we made over two months of casts. I love how happy he is in the brace picture. :)

And here is what his little toesies look like now! 

Pretty much good as new! It's amazing what you can do with modern medicine and babies that are still made out of rubber! :)