On failure (and doing your best anyway)

You know that exhausting feeling of failure that sometimes comes when you put in so much work and still don't see results? Have you ever poured all your energy, time, and attention into something and wondered if you made a difference at all?

This semester of teaching seminary has been very, very challenging for me. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm pregnant, since apparently making a human being kind of affects you juuuust a little bit, both physically and emotionally. Who would have thought? ;) My class is also very different this year. I switched from the seniors to the sophomores and it's been an adjustment. Things that worked last year just don't work with this group of students; they have very different personalities, needs, and levels of understanding. 

Whatever the reason, I've been struggling. Big time. Multiple times I've driven home from class in tears, feeling like a failure when my lesson went poorly, seriously considering the possibility of playing the "I'm a pitiful pregnant lady card" to get released early instead of sticking it out to the end of the semester like I planned. I've tried different things to get myself out of this funk, but so far nothing has worked. To put it simply, I guess I'm a little weary of putting so much into this calling when I never seem to see any results of my hard work.

This weekend I spent a lot of time mulling over all of this, trying to figure out what I could do to fix things, and searching for comfort, motivation, and the excitement I used to have about teaching. While I was sitting in church I thought about it some more and felt like it would be a good idea to read through the chapters I'll be teaching in the next few weeks to get myself ready to teach it. While skimming through the upcoming chapters, I came upon the story of Abinadi, which is one of my favorites. 

If you aren't familiar with the story or need a refresher, here's the very condensed version. (If you're interested, the whole story can be found in Mosiah 11-18)

King Noah was a wicked king that didn't follow the good example of his father, King Zeniff. Instead of taking care of his people, he taxed them heavily so he and his groupies (wicked priests that he picked to replace to righteous priests his dad had chosen) could afford to live extravagant, lazy, extrememly immoral lifestyles. Things were heading downhill quickly, so God sent the prophet Abinadi to call him and all the wicked people to repentance. King Noah didn't take too kindly to this (big surprise) and ordered his people to bring Abinadi to him so he could kill him, but they didn't find him and Noah kept on a-doing his thang. 

Fast forward two years. Abinadi comes back, in disguise, calls them to repentance again, prophesies of their destruction if they don't, and is imprisoned where he continues to teach them about many things including the Ten Commandments, Christ, and the atonement. Again, Noah is not impressed. Nosiree. He tells Abinadi that unless he recalls his words he will kill him. Abinadi, being a righteous man with integrity that I admire so much, refuses to take back his words, so he was then bound, scourged, and burned alive.

I like to put myself into Abinadi's shoes here. Can you imagine how he must have felt after doing his very best to help these people mend their ways, not only to have them refuse to listen, but end up killing him too? If I were him, I would have been so discouraged the first time that I'm not sure I would have gone back... but he did. That blessed man went back, knowing that they wanted to kill him, and tried again to get them to understand that they needed to change. What love he must have had for them to still try, even when he never saw the results of his efforts.

It gets even better though! Get a load of this... One of the priests, a young man named Alma, listened and believed. Although Abinadi probably never had any idea, his words sunk deep into Alma's heart. He knew they were true. He pleaded with Noah not to be angry with Abinadi and let him go in peace. This made King Noah extremely angry, so he cast Alma out and sent servants to kill him. Alma managed to hide from them, where he wrote down the words of Abinadi and went around secretly teaching those words to anyone that would listen. Many people (around 450!) began to gather to listen to him teach and they ended up being baptized, organizing themselves into a church, and then fleeing from Noah who was none too happy when he discovered them.

The part that really amazes me is that those 450 people are only the beginning of the the influence Abinadi had. Check this out, taken from this article in the February 2005 New Era:

Abinadi
Abinadi’s testimony to wicked King Noah cost him his life (see Mosiah 17:20), but changed the life of one of the king’s priests, Alma the Elder (see Mosiah 18:1), who at the time was “a young man” (Mosiah 17:2). 

Alma the Elder
Alma helped bring into the Church about 450 of King Noah’s people (see Mosiah 18:35). They joined the Nephites at Zarahemla, where Alma became the high priest of the Church and baptized many more (see Mosiah 25:18). His son was Alma the Younger (see Mosiah 27:14). 

Alma the Younger
Alma was the Nephites’ first chief judge and high priest of the Church (see Mosiah 29:42). He helped convert more than 3,500 people and converted many more during later missions to Nephite cities. Alma’s sons served missions as well. His oldest son was Helaman. 

Helaman, Son of Alma
Helaman kept the records and was one of the high priests of the Church (see Alma 46:6). At about 73 B.C. and again about 54 B.C., he reestablished the Church after years of war (see Alma 45:22; Alma 62:46). He led the 2,000 stripling warriors. His son was also named Helaman. 

Helaman, Son of Helaman
Helaman kept the records of the people as well. He became chief judge of the Nephites. During his righteous rule, “tens of thousands” joined the Church (Hel. 3:26). He had two righteous sons, Nephi and Lehi. 

Nephi and Lehi, Sons of Helaman
Nephi was chief judge before leaving to preach the gospel with Lehi. These brothers were such powerful missionaries that most of the Lamanites were converted to the gospel (see Hel. 5:50). Nephi turned the records over to his son, Nephi. 

Nephi, Son of NephiNephi became a great prophet. He taught and baptized many in the wicked days before Christ’s coming, even raising his brother from the dead (see 3 Ne. 7:15–26). He was chosen as one of Christ’s 12 disciples when the Savior appeared (see 3 Ne. 12:1). The disciples helped convert all the Nephites and Lamanites after Christ’s coming (see 4 Ne. 1:2). 

Isn't that a little mind-blowing? Although he may never have been able to see even the smallest success, Abinadi had an incredibly far-reaching influence. Plus, each of those people converted by Abinadi, Alma, and Alma's posterity certainly affected others, who in turn affected even more people. Not to mention everyone today that is blessed by learning about it by reading the Book of Mormon. The impact of Abinadi's message was and is enormous, even if he never saw any of it while on earth.

I love that. 

Re-reading Abinadi's story today gave me the comfort I needed by reminding me that just because I may not see results doesn't mean that I'm not doing some good, whether in my calling as a seminary teacher or other aspects of my life. You don't always know when you are making a difference, and sometimes it's the simplest things that have the greatest impact. I will probably never have the kind of influence Abinadi did, but I can still do good in the world in my own little way, and that might make all the difference to someone.  

Also, even with its challenges, teaching seminary is one of the best opportunities I've ever been given. I wish I could explain how much I have learned, how much I love my students, and what an impact teaching has had on my testimony of the scriptures. The blessings far outweigh the challenges, and even the challenges are often blessings in disguise. And even though I'm looking forward to sleeping in and passing the stress onto someone else, I am going to miss it when I'm released next month!