This I Know

I've had a lot on my mind the last few weeks. Whether you are LDS or not, you've probably heard something about the Ordain Women group, its founder Kate Kelly, and everything that has been going on with that situation lately.

I don't think it is much of a secret that I don't agree with the aims of the members of the Ordain Women group. I tend to be pretty vocal about my feminist opinions (and yes, I do consider myself to be a feminist), but I don't want to talk about Ordain Women today. Maybe never, actually. I think there has been plenty of talk already, plenty of pointing fingers and choosing sides, and plenty of harsh judgements coming from all directions.

I don't know a lot of things. The older I get the more aware I am of that fact. I don't know Kate Kelly or any of the members of Ordain Women. I do not know exactly why it is God's will that only men hold the priesthood, although I do have my theories. I also don't know why people like shrimp, or why roaches exist, or why not everyone (my waistline especially) shares my opinion that cookies are an acceptable breakfast food. Sigh.

However, I do know this: the church is true. God lives. He lives, he loves all of his children, and he is aware of each one of us. That means you. Yes, you. This I know.

Because God loves us, and wants us to return to live with him, he has provided the way for us to do just that. He would not withhold anything from us that is necessary for our progression and salvation. This I know.

We came to earth to be tested, which means there will be times when our faith is challenged, but truth and goodness will prevail. This I know.

I love the gospel. I love it deeply. My religion is my rock and I am so thankful for the way it brings peace and strength to my soul. The gospel is pure and perfect, despite the imperfections of people. This I know.

I don't just believe this because I was born into the church. I had to gain that knowledge for myself, a process that took time and effort, and a process that continues every day as I try to fix my plentiful shortcomings. It is in my blood, and has been for many generations, but more importantly my faith is in my heart.

And even though I don't know everything, because I know God lives and what I need to do to return to him, I know enough for now, although I hope to continue to learn more each day.

Meanwhile, instead of looking for faults in each other, maybe we (myself included) should try to be more compassionate and kind, especially to those with differing opinions. We've got better, more important things to do with our time. Maybe we should serve our neighbors more. Maybe we should be less judgmental. And maybe we should talk more about Jesus.

I'm a Mormon woman, I don't hold the priesthood, and I'm okay with that.

There's been an increase of discussion lately about Mormon women and the priesthood, partially because of this group of women who are seeking ordination and to attend the priesthood session of General Conference tomorrow. If you know me personally, and/or have read my blog (especially this post) for very long, you probably know that this is an issue I feel strongly about. Very strongly indeed.

I would really, really like to call myself a feminist. I personally do consider myself to be one, but I hesitate to officially and publicly label myself as one because I disagree with the opinions of almost all of the self-professed "Mormon feminists" out there. I don't want to be mixed up with them. 

Unlike most of these feminists, I do not feel slighted as a Mormon woman. I have never felt like I am less valued or less worthy as a member of the church because of my gender, even though being a woman means I do not hold the priesthood. I don't feel like I need to hold the priesthood to be happy or fulfilled or important. 

I also know that if it were necessary for women to hold the priesthood to be happy or fulfilled or important, then God would never withhold that from us. I know for absolutely certain that if God wanted women to hold the priesthood then, by golly, women would hold the priesthood. It is as simple and profound as that. He would reveal it to our dear prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, and that would be that. The end. 

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World (a very short but extremely worthwhile read found here), it discusses the importance of gender, the roles and responsibilities men and women have, and how they work together. Here are a couple excerpts:

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." 

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

I love that. Often "gender roles" are considered to be a bad thing (and sometimes they can be), but if you read the Family Proclamation, specifically these excerpts, then you'll see that God has given us gender roles/responsibilities. I would even be so bold as to say that the Plan of Salvation is built upon the foundation of gender roles because that is central to the family and family is central to the Plan of Salvation. And according to the proclamation and this talk, it means that women's primary responsibility is to nurture their children (if they have the opportunity) and that the responsibility to hold the priesthood, the presiding authority in the home and the church, belongs to the men. And you know what? I totally support that. (Gasp!)

I'm sure that some of you are going to read this and think, "None of this sounds very feminist." You're probably right. You see, my definition of feminism is a little different than most. 

To me, true feminism is embracing the unique, God-given qualities women have been blessed with, and using those qualities to better the world in a way that only women can. It means being feminine. Strong, nurturing, loving, gentle, hard-working, intelligent, sensitive, wise, and so much more. 

As a wife, it means supporting my husband, especially his position as a priesthood bearer and the patriarch of our home. It means being an equal partner with him in our marriage and doing my part to keep our relationship strong and our home happy.

As a mother, it means nurturing, loving, and caring for the spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being of my future children... with the help of my husband as my equal partner, of course.

As a single woman, it meant preparing to become a wife and mother, whether I would end up having that opportunity or not. It meant gaining education (both secular and religious), preparing for a meaningful career, and becoming a better person in general.

Anyway... I figure President Gordon B. Hinckley put it best when he said this: 

“Women do not hold the priesthood because the Lord has put it that way. It is part of His program. Women have a very prominent place in this Church. Men hold the priesthood offices of the Church. But women have a tremendous place in this Church. They have their own organization. It was started in 1842 by the Prophet Joseph Smith, called the Relief Society, because its initial purpose was to administer help to those in need. It has grown to be, I think, the largest women’s organization in the world... They have their own offices, their own presidency, their own board. That reaches down to the smallest unit of the Church everywhere in the world...

 “The men hold the priesthood, yes. But my wife is my companion. In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are co-equals in this life in a great enterprise.” 

Well said. 

Also, because I can't help myself, please enjoy what might be my favorite Mormon pick up line of all time. You're welcome. 

The problem with feminists

Feminism. Oh, what a touchy subject this can be. 

Disclaimer: I'm fully aware that I might offend some of the people that read this, so I just want to apologize in advance. That's not my intention. I just want to discuss some of the thoughts and ideas that have been running through my mind lately.

I believe that women are powerful. Their influence on the world is strong and deep. I am thankful for the good that women do in the world, whether it be in the home or in the workforce, and I firmly believe in the importance of getting a good education whether you are male or female. Women should absolutely be able to vote, have their own bank accounts, be property/business owners, political leaders, gain higher education, and have a career. Some of these rights were fairly recently granted to American women, and I am so thankful for the people that brought about these changes. I'm thankful for the opportunities I have as an American woman, and for the decisions I am free to make that allow me to live the life I want to lead.

I truly feel blessed to be a woman in this day and age.

Bam! Woman power!

This all sounds pretty feminist-y, doesn't it? However, I feel very reluctant to refer to myself as a "feminist". I have many feminist peers and I enjoy talking to them or reading their opinions and feelings on the subject, but I find it very interesting that I disagree with most of their beliefs. In fact, there are few ideals I have in common with the majority of these feminist friends of mine. 

I was really baffled by this at first, but after a while I figured out why we felt so differently. I believe that "masculinism" (and sometimes chauvinism) has taken the place of modern feminism. In today's society, most feminists I have come in contact with are, in my opinion, basically trying to become men, and this is where I draw the line. To me, this is where feminism is no longer truly feminism. 

As I wrote in this post, my definition of true feminism is embracing the unique, God-given qualities women have been blessed with, and using those qualities to better the world in a way that only women can. 

I firmly believe that women and men are equal in importance. We need both sexes for social and biological purposes; neither is more necessary than the other. I also believe that we are different for a reason and that each sex is divinely created to fulfill a specific role.

Gender is not a coincidence, neither is it arbitrary. It is a central part of our spiritual identity and responsibility and is a central part of the Plan of Salvation. The Family: A Proclamation to the World is a great resource to learn more about why gender roles are important and what responsibilities each gender has. Here is an excerpt:

"All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

Here it what it says about the responsibilities of parents in the home:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed."

Now this is where I am probably going to ruffle some feminist feathers: As is stated above, I believe that the primary role of women should be a wife and a mother, and that no other path of life can be more noble, important, or fulfilling. Do I believe in getting an education? Absolutely! Get a good education if you possibly can. Is there anything wrong with pursuing a career? No way! However, neither of these things should ever take precedence over family. That is what is most important. At the beginning of this post I said that "women should absolutely be able to . . . be property/business owners, political leaders, gain higher education, and have a career". This is true, but none of these things should take priority over a family or keep women from fulfilling their responsibility to be a wife and mother if they have the opportunity. Unfortunately, a misconception I often see in modern feminism is the idea that to be a successful woman you must have a career, and that being a mother is a restrictive burden. Nothing could be further from the truth. Motherhood is more important, more precious, and more rewarding than any career. (Side note: I recognize that not everyone has the opportunity to get married or have children in this life, and no one should be looked down on for that or feel that it affects their worth as a person at all. Unfortunately I've heard of a few people that have felt that way.)

"There are two principles that we should always keep in mind. First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions." -Elder Quentin L. Cook (source)

I also support the priesthood-based (or patriarchal) structure of my church. The majority of church leaders are men, and the leaders that are female work under the direction of priesthood leaders (who are all male since women do not hold the priesthood). And you know what? I'm okay with this. I know that my church is led by a prophet that receives direction from God, and because of this knowledge I know that the leadership structure of my church is based on revelation and guidance from Him. I certainly don't feel oppressed as a Mormon woman because of this structure or the fact that I don't hold the priesthood (besides when I hug my husband... heh heh :P). In fact, I am grateful for the ways that my religion helps me, as a woman, be my best and realize my full potential. 

My point is that the problem with (most, not all) feminists is that too often they forget what it means to be feminine. 

(source)

Being feminine means using the divine qualities and responsibilities we've been given to make the world better by working with men, not against them, and supporting their divine qualities and responsibilities.  

It means being gentle, loving, compassionate, classy, righteous, nurturing, strong, innovative, creative, powerful, intelligent, and wise -- qualities I hope to instill in my daughters (and my sons, for that matter!). 

It is magnifying womanhood, motherhood, and sisterhood. 

It is becoming more like our heavenly parents every day. 

Read more of my thoughts on the subject here and here.

Also, this makes me laugh. ;)

 

Happy Monday!

Pants vs. Skirts

There's been a lot of discussion going on lately regarding a facebook event created by a group of Mormon women that call themselves "feminists". (I'll get to why I put that in quotation marks in a bit. :P) Anyway, this event was made to encourage LDS women to wear pants to church this Sunday to "promote equality" in our faith.

Personally, I find this a little... bizarre. Here is a statement from the Church from 1971 on the subject:

“The Church has not attempted to indicate just how long women’s or girls’ dresses should be nor whether they should wear pant suits or other types of clothing. We have always counseled our members to be modest in their dress, maintaining such standards in connection therewith as would not be embarrassing to themselves and to their relatives, friends, and associates.

“We have advised our people that when going to the temple they should not wear slacks or miniskirts, or otherwise dress immodestly. We have not, however, felt it wise or necessary to give instructions on this subject relative to attendance at our Church meetings, although we do feel that on such occasions they should have in mind that they are in the house of the Lord and should conduct themselves accordingly.” (Priesthood Bulletin, June 1971.) (source) 

Ever since I was very young, I was taught to wear my Sunday best to church, and for me that meant a skirt or dress. Being the tomboy that I was, I remember thinking often about how much I wished I could wear pants and tennis shoes to church. Once I voiced that to my mom who told me that the reason why I can't wear pants to church is because church is different. Church is special. Church requires a different kind of behavior and choice of clothing than I would wear every other day of the week. Church is a place to show reverence and worship my Heavenly Father. I believed her then, and I still do now. I wear a skirt or dress to church because that is how I, personally, show that church is special to me. That's why I wear church clothes when I am teaching seminary as well. Plus, I like wearing skirts and dresses because they are girly, and I like being a girl... a lot. :)

However, I don't believe you have to wear a skirt to church. When I was in Russia last year, I had the opportunity to attend the Voronezh branch every week and really get to know and love the wonderful members. There are some things that are a little different about attending church in Russia than attending church in America. The gospel that is taught and the Spirit that is felt is the same, but there are many cultural differences. One of the big ones is that probably about half (or maybe a third) of the women wear pants to church. They aren't trying to protest against inequality or make some kind of statement; their Sunday best just happens to be pants. And that is okay.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that what you wear to church should reflect your desire to show reverence for where you are and what you are doing. You want to wear pants to church? Go right ahead! No one is going to kick you out.

However, I don't think it is appropriate to wear pants to church as a statement or to protest. To me, that is disrespectful and irreverent. 

This is becoming longer than I intended, but I just have to add my two cents about the motivation behind the whole pants issue and the "feminist" women that are propelling it. You know, I consider myself to be a feminist, but I find I disagree with the beliefs of almost everyone else that does. To me, true feminism is embracing the unique, God-given qualities women have been blessed with, and using those qualities to better the world in a way that only women can. Most feminists I have ever read about or talked to are so focused on becoming more like men, or at least trying to adopt the unique, God-given qualities of men instead of recognizing and magnifying their own. 

Today, my husband and I were talking about how deceptive Satan is, and how he has convinced so many women that they have to become like men to make any difference in the world. He convinces them that they have to have careers to be successful and that having children and raising them in righteousness is somehow inferior to going far in a professions. 

What? Are you kidding me? How could there be anything more important and fulfilling than to be a righteous mother in Zion?! I mean, I'm all about women getting as much education as possible and becoming engaged in a meaningful career if they want to, but family should always, always come first. Nothing should ever be more important that a righteous family, which we know is central to the Plan of Salvation and the reason we are here on earth in the first place. That's what it's all about. 

It just goes to show how Satan truly is the master deceiver. He can convince people that the things that are most important are inferior, and even undesirable and detrimental. 

He knows why God created men and women to be equal, yet different partners.  

He knows why women have certain gifts, abilities and responsibilities and same with the men. 

And he knows that if he can keep them from building upon those divine qualities and fulfilling their gender-specific roles, especially by convincing them that gender roles are a bad thing, then he's got them. They cannot progress and reach their full potential. It just can't happen. 

I think this issue has a lot less to do with whether you wear pants or a skirt to church, and more to do with confusion about the purpose of womanhood and why it is supposed to be different than manhood. Like my husband so eloquently said, "If God wanted all of us to be the same, he would have made us hermaphrodites." We're different for a sacred purpose, and those differences should be seen as a blessing, not a punishment.  

Well, that's my two cents... tell me what you think!

Motherhood, Womanhood, and Ann Romney

This video about Ann Romney has been going around the internet today in response to some comments made about her and the fact that she is (was) a stay-at-home mom. I thought it was pretty interesting. 

It got me thinking about the subject, and how motherhood is viewed by many people today. In the video, Hilary Rosen basically said that Ann Romney can't really know about the economy or what women in America are concerned about since she, quote, "Never worked a day in her life" and just stayed at home raising her kids. Oh, geeze... since stay-at-home moms never leave the house, have little or no education, and are completely uninformed about the world, right? 

What I really liked about this video was that Mrs. Romney really stressed that she chose to be a stay-at-home mom. Here's what she said about that:

"This is what's so interesting about this. My career choice was to be a mother, and I think all of us need to know that we need to respect choices that women make. Other women make other choices -- to have a career and raise a family -- which I think Hilary Rosen has actually done herself. I respect that. That's wonderful. But you know, there are other people that have a choice. We have to respect women in all those choices that they make."

This reminds me of an experience I had in one of my classes a few semesters ago. It was a speech communication class, and my instructor was kind of a slacker. Most of the time, he would start a discussion about some random subject (usually sausage, sex, or Mormons) and then he would pick someone to get up in front of our small class and say something about it. 

One time, he asked me to get up and talk about what I look for in a man or what I want in my future husband. I mentioned something about how I want him to have (or be actively pursuing) a job that would allow me to stay home with our kids. The way that my classmates reacted, it was like I had said I like to eat pork rinds and listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks or something shockingly disturbing like that. ;) I mean, who in their right mind actually desires something like being a stay-at-home mom? Aren't I in college so I can do something with my life, like have a successful career and make a difference in the world?

Here's what I think they failed to recognize: The desire to be a full-time mother in the future is my choice. No one is trying to push it upon me; it's something that I want. Isn't that true feminism -- to allow and encourage women to do what they know will make them happy? It seems like so many people think that being a full-time mother is a demotion, and that those poor souls who have been lead to believe that giving up a successful career for dirty diapers, runny noses, and little muddy feet is a good idea simply need to be taught to see the light. However, I feel like nothing I can do in any career would be more important that doing all I can to raise my future children to be good people. (Just a side note to clarify my opinion, I highly appreciate all the wonderful women who have chosen to pursue careers, and know that the world and our country is a better place because of them. I especially appreciate the female professors I've had and I learned so much from them.)

Kind of along the same lines, here is an excerpt from Sister Kristen M. Oaks' talk in a CES Fireside from Sepetember 2011. You can find the whole talk here. 

Never waste one minute of this precious life. Prepare for the future. Go forward. Get educations, and prepare for an occupation or profession to support yourself and a future family. 

I also give a word of caution. In my day only 6 percent of the women did not marry, and it was unusual for a woman to get advanced degrees and enter the workforce. It is very different now. A much larger percentage of you will not marry during college and may get advanced degrees and have marvelous career opportunities. Some of you will remain single, but often I hear of young women who wish to fulfill themselves in the workforce first and only later proceed to become a wife and mother. 

I am speaking personally here. From my own experience as a woman who has a doctorate and had a marvelous career traveling the world, I can sincerely say that no matter how exciting or fulfilling a career, you should never sabotage your eternal happiness by sacrificing marriage for a job opportunity. If true love comes at a seemingly inopportune time, look to the long-term consequences, and call on the Holy Ghost for guidance. Marriage and motherhood can be as fulfilling and wonderful as you choose to make them. The Lord will provide a way for you to balance your ambitions with the blessings of marriage. Worldly honors and corporate success offer small compensation when compared with the joyous affection of family and children.

I just love that, especially the last few lines. Isn't that the truth?

Now, on a little more personal note, I want to talk a little bit about my own family. I come from a large family. There's 10 very energetic kids (I'm number 4) and two saintly parents who put up with us. :) My mom always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I will always be thankful for that. I would have missed out on so many opportunities to learn from (and play with) my mama if she needed to divide her attention between a career and our family. Of course it wasn't easy. It's hard to live on only one income when you have so many kids, especially since half of us were adopted and that isn't cheap! :) What I learned from my parents was that it is worth so much more to live simply and frugally than to give up all the blessings that would come from giving my mom the opportunity to focus her time and energy on our family. 

I'm so thankful to be a woman, and I firmly believe (to quote The Family: A Proclamation to the World) that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose". I know that one of the biggest (if not the biggest) parts of my eternal identity and purpose is to be a mother one day. I'm so grateful to have had wonderful parents that are such good examples to me and helped me become me, and for a husband that supports me in all ways. 

To finish up, here is one more quote that I love by Sister Julie B. Beck from her talk "Mothers Who Know".

The responsibility mothers have today has never required more vigilance. More than at any time in the history of the world, we need mothers who know. Children are being born into a world where they “wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Ephesians 6:12). However, mothers need not fear. When mothers know who they are and who God is and have made covenants with Him, they will have great power and influence for good on their children.